Saturday, April 16, 2011


Even as Swaziland descends into chaos, one thing remains the same: we put our trust in the Lord and the apostles He has sent to Swaziland to show us The Way.

Here, in an exclusive interview, our special correspondent interviews Apostle Bob to hear how the Lord told him to go forth and multiply (his wealth).


Injured Apostle’s message from God intercepted by devil, possibly.

They say that lightning never strikes twice. Moving on, we can report that recently injured Apostle Bob, whose top of the range Nissan Cherry was involved in a serious accident only last week, with him inside it, was unable to heed the warnings of the Lord due to the devil.

Bob, who is the leader of the Church of Smoke and Mirrors, would hold regular dialogue with the Lord. In an interview with this widely read website Bob would set the record straight on recent events.

According to the Apostle, about five years ago The Lord would say ‘Bob, there are two things I would tell you. First I have ordained that you would help me eradicate persistent and incorrect use of the conditional tense in newspaper articles. Second, in some years henceforth of this date you will live in a massive mansion and will drive a top of the range motorised vehicle, such as a car, for example.’

Since that day, Bob has amazed onlookers by living life just as God said. These days he inhabits a massive mansion fit for a king’s wife. It has lots of rooms and fancy curtains and air conditioning and things like that.

Bob says that his good fortune is down to his prayers and unwavering love of God. The fact that his only source of income is a small stipend for being a pastor should not lead to speculation that he has stolen, extorted and hoodwinked gullible people out of their money. Such would be the sort of unfounded claim that could lead to a court case in eleven years from now if any of the parties were still alive and this newspaper had not been long closed down by the reactionary authorities.

Reliving the terrifying moments prior to his car crash Bob says ‘I was going home after spreading the word of the Lord in a rural area to innocent victims. As I drove, I was counting a considerable amount of cash in donations from these desperately poor people who can’t afford school fees or food, but whom have been cajoled and bullied into to fearing the Lord so much that they cough up if threaten them enough with eternal damnation.’

It was at this point that Bob sensed some sort of demonic possession. ‘As I thumbed through the cash I started salivating uncontrollably and the drool made the steering wheel slippery. Before I knew it the car itself had become possessed and crashed into a big rock shaped just like a rock, only bigger.’

The next thing he remembers is crawling from the wreckage and thanking the Lord - the money was still okay. Although he was quite seriously injured, Bob managed to escape the worst: being admitted to the Mbabane Government Hospital. ‘Imagine if I had been unconscious or delirious. Someone might have taken me to the MGH. Can you imagine? In that case I would not be talking to you today.’

In the following days Bob reflected on the accident and realised he had two choices. He could accept personal responsibility for reckless driving or he could invent a conspiracy theory involving the devil and demonic possession. It was, as the say, a no-brainer.

‘Because I am so successful I have many enemies among other apostles, pastors and suchlike. I now know that they must have intercepted and deleted a text message from the Lord telling me to take the kombi last week, instead of driving myself. In other words the accident was the work of the devil, even though that makes no sense at first glance, or even after deeper scrutiny. This just shows how sneaky he is.’

Following Bob’s claim this website contacted MTN, the country’s monopoly mobile telecommunications network, owned largely by the stinking rich elites. A spokesman said ‘MTN has a strict privacy policy and we do not give out private numbers, even to the Lord. Unless of course the Lord could produce a document that suggested a person was a terrorist, then we would give it up in the blink of an eye, no questions asked.’

We telephoned the Lord ourselves for his side of the story, but his private secretary said he was in a meeting about lesbians again.

-- Contributed

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